The fact that no one understands you does not mean you are an artist

On the plus side, I walked Twilight today. =)

And got a grande chai for 2 bucks. Marc and Tiff made me feel better... Marc always makes me laugh in the darkest of times. I hope he'll always be my brotherly-friend. I said a voy call that Marc wrote, so it made everyone laugh. lol. I want to go back and get a green tea frappuccino.

Last weekend, my crew finished filming on Day 2 and 3 for our group project.. my script become real. It went really well. We were very fortunate Sunday at the park since it was supposed to rain and we were working with kids. But only Kaedin, Jeté's younger brother really had to do any "acting". lol. He was so cute! Well, maybe you'll see, if I can get the completed, final, edited short film story on here. That'd be cool. I had a lot of soda on those filming days, since there was so much to drink and I was always thirsty.

This past week, I felt like I actually had plenty of time on my hands. I had 3 days off in a row (well almost). I slept in those 3 days and watched Pride and Prejudice (the one with Colin Firth) again and Sense and Sensibility again... ha. Friday though, some stupid thing happened with Cali so they sent her home for the day and they called me in to close for a couple of hours. Lame. I almost had 3 days off.... allllmost. It pretty much was though. Can't wait til my vacation!!! =D

I finally went back to my Film as Literature class after 2 weeks (2 classes) of ditching. I got an A on my paper on Rebel Without a Cause. Woo! Now just one more paper which I am excited to write. I have 3 options, and I have no idea which one I want to write more... it's too hard a decision (thought that'd never happen)...... And then a written final in May. School's almost over for the semester. *excitement!*

I will have to sign up at Pierce in the summer for the Geology class, and then all, absolutely all G.E.s will be complete.

I went to the CTVA Dept office yesterday also and grabbed a change of major application because I discovered that the Screenwriting Portfolio has been suspended and admission process is the same as it was before... I just have to give them the application and get a couple of signatures.. et voilà! I'm in and I can get the film portfolio done while I am taking Graduate Screenwriting classes. Sweetness.

I really want to get that keyboard from Tiffany... I've really wanted to play lately. It's making me sad that I haven't. I am so taking the piano class in the fall! ^_^

I had my first official massage, where I actually get paid... yeah. It went really well. The guy only wanted Swedish massage for an hour, which I charge $75 for, but he paid me $100. My mom was using my apartment while I was working at Starbucks today, so she gave me $50 for using my place. So today (so far), I have gotten $150. WOO! I'm sooo going to see Watchmen with Keenan as soon as we can. I can pay! lol.

Anyways, I worked a lot today. I worked at Starbucks until 3PM. Then went to the ranch where Sarah has the horses boarded so I could get the halter off of Aphrodite, since I seem to be the best person to catch her. From there, I stopped by the game place where Keenan was playing Magic. I ended up leaving shortly after and getting us Quizno's, because Keenan did not eat up until then AGAIN!... *tisk tisk*

I returned home and ate my sandwich, failing to find anything to watch on tv. Thankfully, I was interrupted by a couple of people calling me for massages. One wants a massage tomorrow, so he may flake on me; he may not. But the other one was the one who followed through and now, yay! money! But he did ask for a lot harder pressure a few times, so that was more Deep Tissue than Swedish.

At the present moment, I am watching the Harry Potter weekend on ABC Family. It's the Prisoner of Azkaban, which is one of the better films. However, I really should be doing more homework because that just never ends. I also have my midterm in my CTVA 250 class this Monday, but I am not that worried about it. I do need to worry about getting this script polished so that it is completely finished for the actor (who we are having auditions for on Wednesday) to know his part without us changing too much on him.

~Lists~

To Do:
-Theatre online reading, quiz, and paper on The Illusion (went to see this play last Wednesday; it's funny and oddly makes you think)
-Jazz online assignment and midterm
-Film as Lit reading
-CTVA 250's midterm, Individual film, and script for Monday and Wednesday

Just a Small, Small List of Things I Need to Do, Things I Need, Places to Go, and Personal Goals:
-Camp Hollywood
-Hawaii for Spring Break (I'm also finally getting my vacation from Starbucks during Spring Break!)
-work on more films, includes getting better equipment / editing devices...
-Pitcher for icing my Passion Tea; also need lemonade...
-Couch that turns into a comfortable bed
-Write more (I miss writing constantly)
-Go to see plays and musicals more often - from Broadway or not, just MORE
-Find someone to love and who will love me unconditionally; and who will want me, need me, breathe me... so much that there's no question about being with me... I know this might take a while since I am still young, but I want to BE with someone already... something that will last... something that, even if we're apart, I still feel at ease, at peace, content...
There's so much to look forward to. I can't wait.
-To LOVE more, open up more, trust more...
-Just LIVE, like I always dreamed of living, like I always pictured being ----happy... at peace... even if it is just with my self, with no Man beside me.. I want to return to that confidence I felt, knowing that even if I am just with myself, I am happy. Knowing that someday, sometime I will have a Man next to me so we can experience life together... sharing our lives together...
Happily Ever After...
-Be my best in school, in my classes again, like I was in high school, no matter how busy and tired I get..
-Take Iron more. (woops)


~~~
I Love You.

Wow. I forgot to mention how A.J. texted me soooo randomly while I was staying at Keenan's house while him and his family went to Big Bear for that one weekend last month. We talked for a few texts over the course of a few hours (he still takes forever to respond to text messages). It was just so random. It's good to know that he's alive out there (still in Arizona). He asked me about school and stuff, and then just stopped, but figures. That certainly sounds like A.J.

Anywho, because he sent me a few messages, I wanted to share this with Keenan, but I wanted to wait until he got back from Big Bear, so I told him that I wanted to wait so I could see his facial expression. When he gets back he asks me if I keyed Becky's car because I saw her coming out of Vons with her boyfriend, Matt, after I had just sat down in my car, about to call Brooke to see if she still wanted me to come get her from her dad's place in Van Nuys. Apparently, before Keenan's phone died, Becky was accusing me of keying her car (since she saw me right when she saw it) to say, "You win, you fucking slut".
Okay, okay... first off... I don't key people's cars. I do not waste my time on people to do that sort of shit. She's not worth enough importance to me, for me, to go out of my way to make her life miserable. She makes herself miserable by pretending she's happy and stable, when she's full of lies and shit. SUCH a drama queen.
Secondly, if I were going to attack her in any way shape or form, it would be directly to her face. I do not attack people behind there backs, all shady. NO. If I have a problem with someone, I will let them know to their face, quite frankly, just to get it out in the open. All I did that day was stare her down because she kept looking over at me even after she was in her car... It was funny actually, how she kept looking away after each time she looked at me and saw me looking right back with ease. That serves more pleasure for me than keying her car would - just staring her straight in the eye, so I can see exactly who she is... hey, the eyes are the gateway to the soul... or so I've always believed.

Sorry all. These are old things that I did not get to mention because I hadn't moved into my apartment yet, so I didn't have internet and completely forgot about A.J. (which happens to tie to the Becky drama). There would be no drama though, or rants like these, if she would stop trying to make me the villain allllll the damn time. She really needs to chill the hell out and instead of pretending her life is fantastic, she needs to actually make her life fantastic and stop bugging me... at least stop saying I did things that I didn't. Liar. I really despise liars.

Alllrighty then.... enough of my ranting.

School is keeping me busy. I am behind in my reading for my Film as Literature class because I have been focusing on my online classes. OH! Speaking of my online classes, for my theatre class, I went to see Pippin at the Mark Taper Forum last week. Amazing! and hilarious! I loved the life message at the end. It gave me chills.
I love all my classes this semester. I know I will catch up with my reading for Film as Literature because it holds my interest.
Also, I need to work and work and work on my script. I just need to revise it more for CTVA 250 before filming. Oh damn, I have to re-shoot for my individual project and edit it asap. Blah. At least it's shorter than that crap Cyle and me made for Japanese! haha.. ha. *clears throat*

I'm actually very excited to join Keenan again this weekend to play Magic. It's a wonder alright.

Anyways, I gotta head to my Film as Lit class soon and I should eat before I go. Woo!
P.S. More coffee required.

I actually celebrated Valentine's Day with a guy for my first time ever. I've had guys text me "Happy Valentine's Day" or call me, but never a guy to actually be my Valentine. =)
I agreed to go to Denny's with Keenan and his friends Friday night after Magic for more Magic. I just tried to sleep because I had to be to work at 7AM. Blah. Didn't get to sleep until after 4AM at Keenan's. I worked until 3 and went to Keenan's after and we napped together. We got up eventually, headed to my apartment and got ready there. We planned on going to Olive Garden, but Adam and Ashley changed it to Mimi's Café since Olive Garden had such a long wait. Bummer. But, it was still a ton of fun fun fun! And the food was better than I expected it to be. I just had a blast with the people that I was there with. After, Keenan and I rented a couple of movies, bought chocolate cake, then returned to my place. I was so sleepy after all of that. I was starting to fall asleep to the movie Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist. Keenan and I were saving that movie to watch with each other since it reminded us of... well... us... by the previews. It really did relate to us a bit. lol. I found it cute.
It was a wonderful night... not the best night of my life.... but still amazing.

I didn't have to work Sunday so woo!
And I didn't get anything done!!! lmao. Well, I got some things done... yeahhh...

I'm pretty hungry.

And I just wanted to explain my first Valentine's Day with a man instead of just my family. ....And I got a bear and heart-shaped Reese's! yay! I'm definitely cared for.

.......I want to live happily ever after........
.......Life really is short; it flies by us before we will even know it.......
.......Don't waste a minute........

I need to renew my list of things to do before I die. I hate not accomplishing everything I want to accomplish, so I must start a new list.

Starting with Hawaii this Spring Break! =)

Random Quotes:
"We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon." -Konrad Adenauer

"Life is not a having and a getting, but a being and a becoming." -Matthew Arnold

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." -Henry David Thoreau, Walden

"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead." -Anonymous

"Life is wasted on the living." -Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this." -Henry David Thoreau

"The great events of life often leave one unmoved; they pass out of consciousness, and, when one thinks of them, become unreal. Even the scarlet flowers of passion seem to grow in the same meadow as the poppies of oblivion." -Oscar Wilde

I'm so exhausted right now that I can't even think straight to leave a long entry. This entry is just to let you all know that I'm not being emo anymore. I'm still sad from time to time, but I am much much better. You all know that I really just tell it straight, how I am feeling (to the extreme)... 'cause obviously, it's a journal. ...to let out my feelings without restraint....

Keenan and I have found a sort of balance... He's been watching Buffy with me. lol. I told him I'd try to be his friend (I can't remember if I said this... I think I did). But anyways, I feel a lot better, but still just pretty sad. Yet, I'm more optimistic and a bit more in charge of my emotions, so I've scrunched down those painful feelings again.... until they swallow me whole again.

But yeah. I am better. Just really really tired.

I'm signing the lease to my apartment tomorrow. (Not in Van Nuys, but across the street from the dorms practically). =)

I got Panda the other day and I meant to eat my fortune cookie, but I never did. It just sat there.... I think that is pretty significant. ME... of all people didn't even crack the fortune cookie open. I'm not being all "fuck fortunes", but for once, I turned my back on a sliver of paper that told me something that would put my feelings at ease, but would never prove to be so fruitful.

It feels like, a hand has reached into my chest, has grabbed my entire heart, and has squeezed.

This hurts.

I don't think I can do this.
It's not any different or better.
Why should I even try?
You aren't.

I think I might go horseback riding today. I was going to wait until Wednesday, but it will make me feel better.
I probably shouldn't, but I feel I need to. I have so much to do... I'm behind in Japanese and History. Cyle and I plan to have a study session for the Japanese final. History, I can pretty much cram and be alright, but I need to finish answering the questions for the novels he wanted us to read. I just have a lot to do.
But, I'm a great catcher-upper. I'll get everything done.

Yeah... horseback riding to a park sounds nice.

Actions truly do speak louder than words, but the right words, true words, the ultimate truth, hit me more than actions ever could. But that does not mean that actions remain silent.


Lyrics:

If you, if you could return
don't let it burn
don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude
but it's just your attitude
it's tearing me apart
it's ruining everything
I swore, I swore I would be true
but heaven so did you
so why were you holding her hand
is that the way we stand
were you lying all the time
was it just a game to you
but I'm in so deep
you know I'm such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to
do you have to
do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
but I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
trying not to lie
things wouldn't be so confused
and I wouldn't feel so used
but you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
but I'm in so deep
you know I'm such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to
do you have to
do you have to let it linger
but I'm in so deep
you know I'm such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to
do you have to
do you have to let it linger
you know I'm such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to
do you have to
do you have to let it linger
-"Linger", The Cranberries
~~~~

Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.
-"Good Enough", Evanescence
~~~~

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that’s what you’ve
come to be
It feels as though we’ve
made amends
Like we found a way
eventually

It was you who picked
the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me
back together
Returned to me what
others stole

I don’t wanna hurt you
I don’t wanna make you sway
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore
I’ve always been a dreamer
I've had my head among
the clouds
Now that I’m coming down
Won’t you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that’s what you wanna be
Are we back now where
it all began?
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them
back into me
You saved me I was
almost dead

I don’t wanna hurt you
I don’t wanna make you sway
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore
I’ve always been a dreamer
I've had my head among
the clouds
Now that I’m coming down
Won’t you be my solid ground?

I don’t wanna hurt you
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore...

I don’t wanna hurt you
I don’t wanna make you sway
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore
I’ve always been a dreamer
I've had my head among
the clouds
Now that I’m coming down
Won’t you be my solid ground?
-"Sway", The Perishers

Every time I get happy about something, it doesn't last.

I wish life would stop doing this to me. All I want is to be happy and for everything to work out.

I'm so angry right now, that I'm surprising myself... It's that anger that I can't control. I can't control... I need to control it but FUCK it's really hard right now.

I can't cry.
I get angrier from holding it in.
I can't put my heart into anything today. Everything that I have done today was half-heartedly... if that at all.
I feel like a piece of stone with flesh surrounding it. I feel so cold, inside and out.

I feel the same way I did years ago... when I lost A.J.'s friendship.
Numb... ashy, flavorless food... like I'm losing, and lost another best friend. A.J. was mine once. And when I lost him I felt this way. Now, I'm probably going to lose Keenan, but this time, it's going to be my choice... I can't be his friend after all of this. I have a feeling....... (I'll say it later).....

I am trying to be his friend through all of this, but I am so angry and I can't control it, that I've just become..... stone.

It's been such a livejournal day.

When is my "Prince Charming" going to come into my life?

He doesn't even have to be a Prince at all, just as long as he is mine. When is he going to come?

I want my happily ever after... I want my happily ever beginning.
And I want Sarah to have her's.

=(

Finish the sentence:

1. I love.​.​.​ life right now.
2. Right​ now I want.​.​.​ to sleep.
3. I feel like.​.​.​ things are beginning to fall into place.
4. I hate it when.​.​. people treat other people like shit for no reason.
5. I fear.​.​.​ being alone for the rest of my life.
6. I'm lonel​y witho​ut.​.​.​ my loved ones (family and friends).
7. I need.​.​.​ to move into my own place (without roommates).
8. Today​ I... opened at work.
9. Tomor​row I'​m.​.​.​ going to the DMV to renew my driver's license first thing in the morning.
10. I just.​.​.​.​ want to be happy for the rest of my life.
11. I want to meet.​.​.​ someone who I will love and who will love me in return.
12. I'm hungr​y for.​.​.​ some love.
13. I love it when.​.​.​ I'm with my loved ones.​
14. I'm afrai​d of.​.​.​ thunderstorms.... nah jk I love them.
15. I'm liste​ning to.​.​. the TV talk. ​
16. I'm weari​ng.​.​.​ pajamamamas.
17. I wish I was in.​.​.​ Northern California.
18. I'm cravi​ng.​.​.​ nothing in particular.
19. I want to get.​.​.​ out of here right now and go on a late-night adventure.
20. I can.​.​.​ control fire.
21. I can'​t.​.​.​ fly at will.
22. I have.​.​.​ annoying people in my living room.
23. I haven​'​t.​.​.​ been very happy for a while.
24. I'm nervo​us to.​.​.​ say anything that could ruin this.
25. My Mom think​s I'​m.​.​.​ the smartest and most talented! ha. I dunno... *shrug*.
26. My Dad think​s I'​m.​.​.​ ....I don't know what my dad thinks about me.
27. I think​.​.​.​ people need to be way less materialistic; it's the poison to their kind character.
28. I'm happy​ when.​.​.​ I'm with my family and friends.
29. I'm sad when.​.​.​ I haven't seen my besties and family for a long time.
30. I like eatin​g.​.​.​ 日本りょうり (Japanese food).
31. I hate eatin​g.​.​.​ ummm mushrooms.
32. I love watch​ing.​.​.​ movies.
33. I love liste​ning to.​.​.​ all kinds of music... and the calming serenity of the ocean waves.
34. I like playi​ng.​.​.​ softball.
35. I hate wakin​g up too.​.​.​ alarms and other untimely noises.
36. I can see.​.​.​ my future.
37. I'm glad that.​.​.​ I know exactly who I am.
38. I'm disap​point​ed that.​.​.​ I still haven't had the kind of relationship that I've dreamed of... not yet anyway..
39. I look like.​.​.​ Aurora.
40. I wish I could​.​.​.​ live happily ever after and in/at peace.


How Much Have I Changed In 10 Years?:

10 years​ ago...
1) How old were you? 9... almost 10
2) Where​ did you go to schoo​l?​ Highlands Elementary School
3) Where​ did you work?​ did not work.
4) Where​ did you live?​ my old house on Alamogordo Rd.
5) Where​ did you hang out? um... Gemma's or Eden's mostly, I think. And Lacey's.
6) Did you wear conta​cts?​ nope.
7) Who was your best frien​d?​ Gemma and Eden were my best best friends... I think Brooke and Kalina were just best friends at the time. Lacey was an annoying little sister to me at the time.
8) How many tatto​os did you have?​ none
9) How many pierc​ings did you have?​ 2.
10) What car did you drive​?​ I didn't.
11) Were you sexua​lly activ​e?​ omg no.
12) Did you ever get drunk​?​ no.
13) Were you singl​e or taken​?​ singl​e.​

***5 YEARS​ AGO (​NOVEM​BER 2003)​

1) How old were you? 14... turning 15.
2) Where​ did you go to schoo​l?​ Saugus High School
3) Where​ did you work?​ I babysat.
4) Where​ did you live?​ Still on Alamogordo Rd.
5) Where​ did you hang out? school, mall, Chelsea's, Kalina's...
6) Did you wear glass​es?​ yup.
7) Who were your best frien​d(​s)​?​ Lacey, Kalina, Brooke... Chelsea and A.J. (ish)
8) How many tatto​os did you have?​ none.
9) How many pierc​ings did you have?​ 2.
10) What kind of car did you have?​ none
11) Had your heart​ broke​n?​ eh... not really. It hurt me at the time, but not really.
12) Were you Singl​e/​Taken​/​ Marri​ed/​ Divor​ce?​ Single.

NOW (​NOVEM​BER 2008)​

1) How old are you now? 19... turning 20 in a couple of days.
2) Where​ do you go to schoo​l?​ CSUN.
3) Where​ do you work?​ Starbucks in Vons in Granada Hills.
4) Where​ do you live?​ Northridge.
5) Do you wear glass​es?​ usually only late at night after I've taken my contacts out.
6) Who is/​are your close​st frien​ds?​ Lacey, Brooke, Kalina... Keenan's becoming a closer friend these days too.
7) Do you talk to your old frien​ds?​ yup.
8) How many pierc​ings do you have?​ 3.
9) How many tatto​os?​ none.
10) What kind of car do you drive​?​ an old piece of crap.
11) Has your heart​ been broke​n?​ still not really.
12) Singl​e/​taken​/​marri​ed/​divor​ced/​Engag​ed?​ I don't know. Kinda taken, but mostly Single. ha. So like Single with a pinch of taken.
13) How many kids?​ None.

Her name's Jiwon. And she's moving in!!! Yay! One roommate found, one more to go.

I will be alright.

Yesterday, my mom picks me up and we head home to Frazier Park. I hugged Sarah when I got here first thing and I just started crying. I have missed her so much; we used to talk all the time and I'd see her a few times a month. How it's been going, haven't seen or talked to my sister in months.
I worked on some homework while watching some movies with Sarah. We both called it a night early, at like 8:30... about that early.

Anyways, I have not slept in my old bed for quite a while. lol. I remember it being more comfortable. I kept waking up during the night. Oh, well. The best part was waking up in the morning. It was snowing! I ran out and took a picture of me and Twilight in the snow... although, I can't really tell that it was snowing in the picture. haha. At least, I'll know. And, it was the first snow of this season in Frazier Park, and I was actually here for it. Magical! =)



Yeah, I just woke up. ha. Sleepyhead.

It kinda looks like it's raining, but pretty sure, it's more like melted snow on the railing and stuff.

Yay! Snow! It makes me happy. And now, a good breakfast.

I should have gone horseback riding with Sarah yesterday though, because now I surely cannot.
And later, we'll be going to Santa Clarita for Kaeli's 1st birthday party! And it's also Kalina's birthday. She invited me to join them for lunch, but I don't think I'll be making it down there that early, so I will have to just stop by her house and give her her gifts. yeah. I bought her these two green tanks that were on sale near Vons and they are so cute. One is velvet and the other is green and white and made me think of the dress that I was making for her, and still need to finish sometime. I also bought her and iTunes gift card since she's on such a music kick these days.

Random Quote:
"The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment then where is it to be found?" -J. B. (John Boynton) Priestley

"Advice is like snow -- the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind." -Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I am so just... disoriented, disappointed, disheveled... A potential roommate was supposed to meet here at 7ish. She calls me and stuff and they're here. I tell them where to go. It's simple directions: make a left at the signal onto Devonshire and make the first left into the parking area. They say they'll find it and like 10 minutes later, they are fucking telling me they are in front of tennis courts and cannot find the entrance!!! The tennis courts are in front! On Lindley!!! I run out of my apartment and walk to the front, but I forgot my keys so I was not going to walk out of the gates. I'm still on the phone and I tell them to just park on the side of the street. I tell them MULTIPLE times to just pull to the curb and park, but they were not LISTENING. WTF?! It's not that hard!! So, the guy that she would hand the phone to, he just told me to give him the apartment number (but this is a big place with multiple buildings distinguished by letters), so I gave it to him and he's all okay I'll find it. AND NOOO! He calls me like another 10 minutes later, tells me he can't find the entrance! And that they are just gonna leave and not look at the apartment! WTH! C'mon! I would have walked out and found them! I went back and grabbed my keys! If they only listened in the first place! Now... what do we do? that was the first one who was gonna look at the place. Damnit... I'm crying again.... Last night and like all this morning, I was not happy... not at all... I just couldn't stop fucking crying... and here I go again. I'm so tired of crying. I'm tired of things not falling into place. I'm tired of people letting me down, and disappointing me. I'm always so fucking reliable; I jump to aid my friends or anyone or work if they need me at last minute... and I don't feel like anyone does that for me when I need them because of this or that.... I wonder if anyone else does that? If so, we are a rare breed indeed.

Sad.

So... disappointed.

I thought about this all half asleep, my eyes tired from crying, this morning:
I'm tired of life handing me sour lemons, and no sugar.

Trying to be happy, positive... but it's proving to be really really difficult.

RISE AGAINST TONIGHT~!
Just had an uncontrollable surge of excitement.

So I totally did not make it to History and I get to Philosophy and it's cancelled... damnit. Ha. I really wanted to know how I did on the test that was on Wednesday.

Aaaaaand! Kaeli took her first 3 steps a couple of days ago. She's growing up so fast! Almost 1 year already! ^_^

And songs I need to really know:
Prayer of the Refugee
Ready to Fall (oh, I DO know that one =])
Swing Life Away

It entertains me; it makes me feel better when I'm down; I still love Buffy the Vampire Slayer so much. It's the greatest show ever.

"Once more with Feeling"!!!!!! Watching that now.

Random Quote:
Life's A Show lyrics...

Buffy:
Life's a show, and we all play our parts,
And when the music starts, we open up our hearts.
It's all right if some things come out wrong.
We'll sing a happy song, and you can sing along.
Where there's life, there's hope
Every day's a gift
Wishes can come true
Whistle while you work so hard all day
To be like other girls
To fit in, in this glittering world.
Don't give me songs.

Giles (spoken):
She needs backup. Anya, Tara.

Buffy: (Anya and Tara ahhhing in background)

Don't give me songs.
Give me something to sing about.
I need something to sing about.

Buffy:
Life's a song you don't get to rehearse,
And every single verse can make it that much worse.
Still my friends don't know why I ignore
The million things or more I should be dancing for.

All the joy life sends,
Family and friends,
All the twists and bends,
Knowing that it ends.
Well, that depends on if they let you go.
On if they know enough to know
That when you've bow, you leave the crowd.

There was no pain, no fear, no doubt,
Till they pulled me out of heaven.
So that's my refrain: I live in hell
'Cause I've been expelled from heaven.
I think I was in heaven.

So, give me something to sing about!
Please! Give me something!

Spike:
Life's not a song, life isn't bliss.
Life is just this: It's living.
You'll get along. The pain that you feel
You only can heal by living.
You've got to go on living.
So one of us is living.

Dawn (spoken):
The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.

Sweet (spoken):
Now that was a show-stopping number.

-----
Encore!

if you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ and see what your friends come up with.